When Life Gives You Lemons....

At one point there would be only one completion to that statement. Now, it's not just common to make lemonade. One can choose to squeeze the lemons into a watergun and squirt someone in the eye or use it to garnish some sort of liquor. However, the statement in it's original form was actually good advice.
This is kind of a closure of my last blog, which was obviously written when I was upset about something. This blog is written now that I am at peace. No, I haven't fixed anything, but I've been given advice in a couple of different forms that has helped me to begin to come to terms.
The first piece of advice was that we can only be responsible for our own actions. There are many things in life that are broken, including relationships, but we can only fix the things that are ours to fix. We can only deal with the projects that God has placed before us and let everything else be. If I let everything in our fractured world get me down, I'll soon be in much worse shape than I am right now!
The next bit of 'advice' came in the form of a lecture at school. Life is hard. We can't avoid evil in the world (not that I'd call any of my miniscule problems particularly evil), but that evil is a gift in the sense that it alerts us to the fact that we are all incredibly sinful and in need of forgiveness and a new start, even though the rehabilitation process is painful. Something about that is incredibly beautiful! Also, we don't know why we struggle and that is okay. If I always knew why I was hurting, perhaps I would choose not to hurt and what if any pain I experience is part of someone else's start to rehabilitation? Would I choose their future growth or a happy, but unsatisfying, existence? Praise God for knowing what we can handle and protecting us from things that we will probably never even realize!
The world is not a nice place but I am so incredibly blessed! I will choose daily to make the most of every situation, to face my small burdens with a peace that God is good and capable and is providing situations that will allow me to grow up if I so choose.

To Love is to Hurt?

Is that actually a saying? haha It sounds like it could be something floating around on the web, or "picniked" across a melancholy photo. But seriously, I've been asking myself lately 'How can I love people, and still protect myself?' I was honestly trying to figure out the answer. How can I have this perfect balance of loving the way Christ would want me to love, yet not be hurt by the things we humans do? And then I realized it's not actually possible. We can't truly love people and give of ourselves and still be building walls to keep them just far enough away that there is no damage when mistakes are made.
So, I guess next week's blog is the one where I try to figure out how to hurt without being consumed by it. :P

Aha!!

So, I was doing the usual the other day... thinking, that is :P... I guess I was being kinda introspective and thinking about my life and I had some random thought about how I figured I was moving towards the place where God wanted me. But as soon as I thought it, I realized how wrong I was. I keep feeling like I have this goal to attain. When I'm done school, I'll be there. When I have a family and a job, I'll be there. But I immediately checked myself and thought, I am where God wants me to be right NOW! Yes, I am growing. Yes, I am moving. But I can't wait to BE something or someone tomorrow. This is it! This is life! And I'm happy to be here, in this time, in this place...

Change

Why is it that every time I feel a certain emotion I think it's going to last forever?
When I really think about it, I find it funny how hard it is for me/us (I don't want to assume this is everyone so I'll just talk about me... this IS my blog after all) to be outside myself and my feelings. I don't do well with change. No matter how awesome I think the change is! (Again, I don't pretend to be alone in this! haha) So it's a bit of a rollercoaster until I'm established. First I think the excitement will never end. Then I think the loneliness will never end. The fact that I used to think I wasn't very emotional is kinda laughable now as I oscilate from one extreme to the other.

Crazy life!

Give me Your eyes

by Brandon Heath

Looked down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight
Touch down on the cold black top
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breath in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos

All those people going somewhere
Why have I never cared

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken-hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see

Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide what’s underneath
There's a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
He's out of work, He's buying time

Pre Chorus / Chorus

I’ve been here a million times
A couple of million eyes
Just move and pass me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
I need a second glance
Give me a second chance
To see the way you’ve seen the people all along

Chorus




This is my prayer lately... that I step out of my short-sighted self and really SEE people!
Question to anyone out there, though. Am I wrong to take care of myself? To be smart with my time and money? Or is whatever "success" I get not worth it? Where is the line between stupidity and love? Is this way easier than I realize?

Psalm 127: 1-2

"Unless the LORD builds the house,

those who build it labor in vain.

Unless the LORD watches over the city,

the watchman stays awake in vain.

It is in vain that you rise up early

and go late to rest,

eating the bread of anxious toil;

for he gives to his beloved sleep."

I've realized lately how much I stress about everything in life. I'm trying to build my house. I'm anxious to keep my options open instead of letting God work and then show me what He has for me. I'm trying to cram a ton of stuff into my days to be fulfilled, to do everything I'm capable of, to have the full life I think God wants me to have. Did I forget to mention I also spend most of my days tired and sick lately? haha

I'm laboring in vain. I'm guarding myself in vain. I'm losing sleep in vain. I don't know what someone else would say about this verse... but this is what it meant to me today.

Bucket List

A blog to be a blog. And a list of things I want to do, in no particular order, before I kick the bucket. haha

1. Work in an orphanage.
2. Write and publish a children's book.
3. Learn how to snowboard (haven't gone back since the day we went and the hill was closed! argh!)
4. Go snorkeling somewhere exotic.
5. Play ultimate frisbee in Saskatchewan (haha! ok, that's a joke...)
6. Own a Jeep TJ ... It will happen! You'll see!
7. Actually read the pile of books I own. :)
8. Go to New York and visit the Brooklyn Tabernacle.
9. Drive back to Briercrest to visit my friends!!
10. Live in the Maritimes... or at least visit frequently.... :(
11. Get my grade 8 piano.
12. Learn how to play guitar... not well, maybe, but well enough for my own enjoyment.
13. See Brian Regan live! (this one is easy since I already have the tickets!)
14. Own a hemp shirt (ok, so i'm running out of ideas off the top of my head...)
15. Oh right. Get married... have kids... that's a big one.

I'll come back when I can think of more.

What?!!

I realized the other day that the more I let others into my life and thoughts, the less room there is for me!

How disappointing.... :P

My Life is Boring

One time, when I was little, my mom left my older brother and I in the car while she went in to do groceries at what was then called The Orange Store. The parking lot was on a hill and, I guess, I was playing around in the driver's seat when I must have hit something and the car started rolling down the hill. Thankfully, my brother was smart enough to get down and put his hands on the break and stop the car until someone could rescue us!...

...Okay that's not true. But I honestly didn't know it wasn't true until a few years ago when I brought up the "memory" to my mom who assured me that never happened. But, somehow, my little brain retained some story I had made up to spice up my little life.

Sometimes I still make up stories... My life is boring....

Wow!

... if you'll use your skills of observation, you'll notice it was over a year between my last two posts. This leaves me sitting here wondering what I was thinking in some of those older posts... feeling a little insecure about starting back into this blogging business... feeling like I've changed so much since those posts, yet maybe I haven't changed at all... and wanting to make sure I mention Pat in as many posts as meets his average. So, where do I start?

Meh.. .I dunno. But isn't that a GIANT picture of me?!! hahaha

My FAVOURITE Quote

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.... Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, to be gorgeous, talented, and fabulous. Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that others won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God within us. And as we let our light shine, we consciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson

Facade

Masks. How many of us use them? Sometimes? On a regular basis? What is real anymore? Who is real? People ask questions, not because they value your opinion, but because it somehow makes them feel good(eg. intelligent, thoughtful). People cover up insecurity with such things as indifference, arrogance, putdowns.

I'm tired of letting the world, both Christian and non-, tell me that I can't BE a certain way!

If I cry, someone might see that and know things sometimes touch me deeply or make me sad.

If I jump up and down like a silly school girl, people might realize that sometimes I feel excitement I can barely contain.

If I'm not careful to hide behind a false laugh or smile, people might realize there are things that make me angry.

Why must I apologize for exercizing my God-given emotions? Why do we hide them and push them away? Sometime my feelings are hurt. Sometimes I feel disappointed, rejected, unloved, and angry... as well as, happy, excited and other such good emotions! (haha)

NOTE: This post, like all of my other posts, is also directed at myself as I think of all the times I hide my tears by closing a door or avoiding eye-contact... or wait until I'm alone to spin in circles in joy... I'm such a silly girl.... I pray God will strip my masks, leaving me vulnerable. I don't look forward to the pain, but the joy of being myself and knowing with certainty that I am loved by God for who I am is worth the battle.

Prince Caspian

"For a time she was so happy that she did not want to speak. But Aslan spoke. 'Lucy,' he said, 'we must not lie here for long. You have work in hand, and much time has been lost today.'
'Yes, wasn't it a shame?' said Lucy. 'I saw you all right. They wouldn't believe me. They're all so—'
From somewhere deep inside Aslan's body there came the faintest suggestion of a growl.
'I'm sorry,' said Lucy, who understood some of his moods. 'I didn't mean to start slanging the others. But it wasn't my fault. But it wasn't my fault anyway, wasn't it?'
The Lion looked right into her eyes.
'Oh Aslan,' said Lucy. 'You don't mean it was? How could I – I couldn't have left the others and come up to you alone, how could I? Don't look at me like that…oh well, I suppose I could Yes, and it wouldn't have been alone, I know, not if I was with you. But what would have been the good?'
Aslan said nothing.
'You mean,' said Lucy rather faintly, 'that it would have turned out all right – somehow? But how? Please, Aslan! Am I not to know?'
'To know what would have happened, child?' said Aslan. 'No. nobody is ever told that.'
'Oh dear,' said Lucy.
'But anyone can find out what will happen,' said Aslan. 'If you go back to the others now, and wake them up; and tell them you have seen me again; and that you must all get up at once and follow me – what will happen? There is only one way of finding out.'"
-C.S. Lewis

An Ideal

I don't look at you expecting something aesthetically pleasing for my own eyes; I look because I want to acknowledge you as a person.

I don't joke with you expecting you to find me witty; I do it to see you smile.

I don't befriend you hoping for something more, or something I can gain; I do it because I love people.

I don't ask you how you are merely to be polite; I ask because I want to know and have an interest in your life.

I don't smile at you to get your attention; I do it because I hope it's contagious.

I don't tell you funny stories so I can promote ME; I tell them so I can see you laugh.

I don't just talk to you because I want something from you; sometimes maybe coming to you for something was the excuse to talk to you...just because I wanted to.

Of course my intentions aren't always that great. I wish they were. But it's definitely something to strive for... It's only fair that I be what I long for in return. A smart friend of mine said recently about community, "True equilibrium happens when we give of ourselves to others, hoping for the same but not requiring it."

meanderings of the mind

We often think we are doing people a favour by reassuring them. We want to help their self-worth...make them feel good about themselves. But how often are we wrong? How often do we say inaccurate things because we're too scared to speak the truth?

I've been thinking lately about my own self-worth and where I may be at these days. I had to be honest with myself and say that I'm probably still not where I want to be or where God wants me to be. But for some reason as I was contemplating all this, my mind went to what people might say or how they would react if I talked about it. I thought about how people so often react (myself included) when faced with the hurtful areas buried in us. Maybe my view of this is flawed, but in my mind I heard..."At least you're not..." or "Most people..." or "That's not as bad as..."

This "conversation" in my head bothered me. How often we smooth things over or pull away when faced with the depths of people's emotions because we don't know what to do or say! I don't want to be convinced that I'm "okay". I don't want to be told that I'm doing great in comparison to others who struggle. I don't want to sweep my uncomfortable emotions under the rug and ignore feelings that I don't know what to do with. I want to the broken before God! I want to be convinced that I am nothing and I need to be on my face in front of a Saviour who was a King but humbled Himself and died on a cross to save people who so rarely remember to glorify His name!

Maybe the knowledge of my lack of worth in the key to discovering my TRUE worth.

Hope this makes sense... feel free to tell me if it doesn't! haha

Feelings of Elation...

Elation... I should really look up the word in the dictionary to make sure I'm using it properly. But I think I know the meaning and I match that definition with a feeling. Almost the lifting and bouncing of my heart(hey, I'm trying here, ok?? haha); or an out of breath excitement! It's not an average feeling for me. It comes by surprise in rare moments. I wouldn't say it just comes in times of complete happiness. But it's the kind of feeling where alot could be wrong but it doesn't matter at that little speck in time. It doesn't matter because all of a sudden happiness means something bigger. It means looking out a window overlooking a lake when the sun is setting beautifully across from you. It means an early morning chill that doesn't touch you because of the warmth created by your own jogging. It means the chirping of birds on a still morning before the world comes to life. It means the pure sound of a voice echoing in an empty room.

Elation... I got this feeling the other day. I got up from working at my laptop and looked out the window and it hit me. I felt like skipping around the room! I felt like running to the open field and spinning in circles before lying on the ground and gazing up at the clouds!

However, I did none of these things and walked slowly back to my seat, a little disappointed to lose the feeling. I popped another yogurt-covered pretzel into my mouth and realized my error as the feeling hit me again!

Wow. Those were good pretzels.

Humility

I like things in black and white. I like to understand why things are the way they are and why people act the way they do. I like to be able to say without a doubt that something is right or wrong. But the world often doesn’t work that way. There are many grey areas and people are comprised of layer upon layer. My mentality really doesn’t stand a chance! J Yet I continue to think and try to figure it out anyway and come to SOME sort of conclusion, often by bouncing ideas off people.

That being said, on to my actual topic… although maybe I shouldn’t say “topic” and should just pose this as a question. What IS humility? The world tells us to stick up for ourselves and not to let people walk all over us. Even the Bible seems to give a mixed message. We are to humble ourselves, “turn the other cheek”, and allow ourselves to be persecuted (something that we, in North America, likely know very little about). Yet, I think the Bible also teaches that we are to be bold and to approach people with confidence. (This is where I should likely back this up biblically… but I’m feeling kinda lazy:P). I often get so confused. I am part of situations and witness other situations and feel torn about how I should react. My sinful nature (I guess) wants to stick up for myself and say “don’t even think about trying to take from me. I’m not an idiot! I’m not weak!”. But has this idea been completely fed to me by the world? And how much am I responsible to others? There are times when, by giving in to people, I’m only feeding their own sinful nature. So, where is the line? When do I stand up and when to I give in? Ahhh! hahaJ

I read a story about a guy who had an employee accuse him of withholding $2500 of his pay. The employer had not done this and had complete proof of this. He could have easily just pulled out the papers and sent the employee on his way. Instead, since he had the money in the bank, he chose to just give him the money instead. This is incredible to me! I think I would really struggle with that. The bad guy wins? We don’t want the bad guys to win, do we?? (haha) Anyway, I love this story and hope that my pride wouldn’t get in the way if I was ever put in a similar situation.

Perhaps I’ve just got the wrong focus on this humility stuff. Maybe I’m making it too much about ME and that’s why I struggle with it. Maybe I’m putting the emphasis on myself and my own feelings instead of where it’s supposed to be. The Bible says, "We do not preach ourselves but Christ Jesus as Lord, and ourselves as your bond-servants for Jesus' sake" (2 Corinthians 4:5). It’s not about me and bolstering my ego. It’s about my service to Christ and loving others. How I long to be truly humble and not care if I am made to look weak or like a fool! All I say and do should be a reflection of Christ and His love for all people. I should care more about how I make my Savior look than how I, myself, look.

I have yet to really wrap my mind around this… but for now, my head hurts! :):P

Alone and Lonely in 209.

Twas a sad day on April 20, 2007. Janet... okay I'll just speak in first person... I had sadly watched as Jacquie and Chantal drove away from me the day before. I had even chased them a few paces, hoping that maybe they would recant and stay a couple more days. However, it was not to be. Even though I kept reappearing in the hallway thinking I was hearing Jacquie's voice... it was all in my head. They were gone and I was left in the silence.... left to remember all the good times... left wishing I could close my eyes and have the next four months fly by so we could be together again. I couldn't feel the "Quad" or the "209" because the room itself isn't what gives off the love... but those who occupy it...

haha! I love you girls! I miss you and I'm already excited for next year!!

Girl's Night Out!

There's something about beautiful weather that makes "one" (in this case, me, Chantal and Jax) long to be out in it! haha! I suppose that goes without saying... Regardless, this past saturday we decided to take advantage of the fact that it was absolutely beautiful and go walk around downtown Moose Jaw. We soon realized that almost everything closes at 5 and that MJ really doesn't have an abundance to offer and so found ourselves at Deja Vu, an enjoyable little cafe that sells every flavour of chicken you can imagine! Of course we had to try a few flavours... and get milkshakes!! I'm pretty sure mine was most favourite... Mint... sigh... I need not say more. You may think this picture portrays our happiness at being together. However, I'm fairly sure my thoughts were something like.... "I'm so glad this picture involves not taking our straws out of our mouths... this is delectable!" or "Wow, I should find a way to talk them into coming for milkshakes on a regular basis" or .... haha! Just kidding! I love my quadmates!!

Anyway, this isn't a particularly interesting post, but we had a grand time!!

Just need an url...