Facade

Masks. How many of us use them? Sometimes? On a regular basis? What is real anymore? Who is real? People ask questions, not because they value your opinion, but because it somehow makes them feel good(eg. intelligent, thoughtful). People cover up insecurity with such things as indifference, arrogance, putdowns.

I'm tired of letting the world, both Christian and non-, tell me that I can't BE a certain way!

If I cry, someone might see that and know things sometimes touch me deeply or make me sad.

If I jump up and down like a silly school girl, people might realize that sometimes I feel excitement I can barely contain.

If I'm not careful to hide behind a false laugh or smile, people might realize there are things that make me angry.

Why must I apologize for exercizing my God-given emotions? Why do we hide them and push them away? Sometime my feelings are hurt. Sometimes I feel disappointed, rejected, unloved, and angry... as well as, happy, excited and other such good emotions! (haha)

NOTE: This post, like all of my other posts, is also directed at myself as I think of all the times I hide my tears by closing a door or avoiding eye-contact... or wait until I'm alone to spin in circles in joy... I'm such a silly girl.... I pray God will strip my masks, leaving me vulnerable. I don't look forward to the pain, but the joy of being myself and knowing with certainty that I am loved by God for who I am is worth the battle.

Prince Caspian

"For a time she was so happy that she did not want to speak. But Aslan spoke. 'Lucy,' he said, 'we must not lie here for long. You have work in hand, and much time has been lost today.'
'Yes, wasn't it a shame?' said Lucy. 'I saw you all right. They wouldn't believe me. They're all so—'
From somewhere deep inside Aslan's body there came the faintest suggestion of a growl.
'I'm sorry,' said Lucy, who understood some of his moods. 'I didn't mean to start slanging the others. But it wasn't my fault. But it wasn't my fault anyway, wasn't it?'
The Lion looked right into her eyes.
'Oh Aslan,' said Lucy. 'You don't mean it was? How could I – I couldn't have left the others and come up to you alone, how could I? Don't look at me like that…oh well, I suppose I could Yes, and it wouldn't have been alone, I know, not if I was with you. But what would have been the good?'
Aslan said nothing.
'You mean,' said Lucy rather faintly, 'that it would have turned out all right – somehow? But how? Please, Aslan! Am I not to know?'
'To know what would have happened, child?' said Aslan. 'No. nobody is ever told that.'
'Oh dear,' said Lucy.
'But anyone can find out what will happen,' said Aslan. 'If you go back to the others now, and wake them up; and tell them you have seen me again; and that you must all get up at once and follow me – what will happen? There is only one way of finding out.'"
-C.S. Lewis

An Ideal

I don't look at you expecting something aesthetically pleasing for my own eyes; I look because I want to acknowledge you as a person.

I don't joke with you expecting you to find me witty; I do it to see you smile.

I don't befriend you hoping for something more, or something I can gain; I do it because I love people.

I don't ask you how you are merely to be polite; I ask because I want to know and have an interest in your life.

I don't smile at you to get your attention; I do it because I hope it's contagious.

I don't tell you funny stories so I can promote ME; I tell them so I can see you laugh.

I don't just talk to you because I want something from you; sometimes maybe coming to you for something was the excuse to talk to you...just because I wanted to.

Of course my intentions aren't always that great. I wish they were. But it's definitely something to strive for... It's only fair that I be what I long for in return. A smart friend of mine said recently about community, "True equilibrium happens when we give of ourselves to others, hoping for the same but not requiring it."

meanderings of the mind

We often think we are doing people a favour by reassuring them. We want to help their self-worth...make them feel good about themselves. But how often are we wrong? How often do we say inaccurate things because we're too scared to speak the truth?

I've been thinking lately about my own self-worth and where I may be at these days. I had to be honest with myself and say that I'm probably still not where I want to be or where God wants me to be. But for some reason as I was contemplating all this, my mind went to what people might say or how they would react if I talked about it. I thought about how people so often react (myself included) when faced with the hurtful areas buried in us. Maybe my view of this is flawed, but in my mind I heard..."At least you're not..." or "Most people..." or "That's not as bad as..."

This "conversation" in my head bothered me. How often we smooth things over or pull away when faced with the depths of people's emotions because we don't know what to do or say! I don't want to be convinced that I'm "okay". I don't want to be told that I'm doing great in comparison to others who struggle. I don't want to sweep my uncomfortable emotions under the rug and ignore feelings that I don't know what to do with. I want to the broken before God! I want to be convinced that I am nothing and I need to be on my face in front of a Saviour who was a King but humbled Himself and died on a cross to save people who so rarely remember to glorify His name!

Maybe the knowledge of my lack of worth in the key to discovering my TRUE worth.

Hope this makes sense... feel free to tell me if it doesn't! haha

Feelings of Elation...

Elation... I should really look up the word in the dictionary to make sure I'm using it properly. But I think I know the meaning and I match that definition with a feeling. Almost the lifting and bouncing of my heart(hey, I'm trying here, ok?? haha); or an out of breath excitement! It's not an average feeling for me. It comes by surprise in rare moments. I wouldn't say it just comes in times of complete happiness. But it's the kind of feeling where alot could be wrong but it doesn't matter at that little speck in time. It doesn't matter because all of a sudden happiness means something bigger. It means looking out a window overlooking a lake when the sun is setting beautifully across from you. It means an early morning chill that doesn't touch you because of the warmth created by your own jogging. It means the chirping of birds on a still morning before the world comes to life. It means the pure sound of a voice echoing in an empty room.

Elation... I got this feeling the other day. I got up from working at my laptop and looked out the window and it hit me. I felt like skipping around the room! I felt like running to the open field and spinning in circles before lying on the ground and gazing up at the clouds!

However, I did none of these things and walked slowly back to my seat, a little disappointed to lose the feeling. I popped another yogurt-covered pretzel into my mouth and realized my error as the feeling hit me again!

Wow. Those were good pretzels.

Humility

I like things in black and white. I like to understand why things are the way they are and why people act the way they do. I like to be able to say without a doubt that something is right or wrong. But the world often doesn’t work that way. There are many grey areas and people are comprised of layer upon layer. My mentality really doesn’t stand a chance! J Yet I continue to think and try to figure it out anyway and come to SOME sort of conclusion, often by bouncing ideas off people.

That being said, on to my actual topic… although maybe I shouldn’t say “topic” and should just pose this as a question. What IS humility? The world tells us to stick up for ourselves and not to let people walk all over us. Even the Bible seems to give a mixed message. We are to humble ourselves, “turn the other cheek”, and allow ourselves to be persecuted (something that we, in North America, likely know very little about). Yet, I think the Bible also teaches that we are to be bold and to approach people with confidence. (This is where I should likely back this up biblically… but I’m feeling kinda lazy:P). I often get so confused. I am part of situations and witness other situations and feel torn about how I should react. My sinful nature (I guess) wants to stick up for myself and say “don’t even think about trying to take from me. I’m not an idiot! I’m not weak!”. But has this idea been completely fed to me by the world? And how much am I responsible to others? There are times when, by giving in to people, I’m only feeding their own sinful nature. So, where is the line? When do I stand up and when to I give in? Ahhh! hahaJ

I read a story about a guy who had an employee accuse him of withholding $2500 of his pay. The employer had not done this and had complete proof of this. He could have easily just pulled out the papers and sent the employee on his way. Instead, since he had the money in the bank, he chose to just give him the money instead. This is incredible to me! I think I would really struggle with that. The bad guy wins? We don’t want the bad guys to win, do we?? (haha) Anyway, I love this story and hope that my pride wouldn’t get in the way if I was ever put in a similar situation.

Perhaps I’ve just got the wrong focus on this humility stuff. Maybe I’m making it too much about ME and that’s why I struggle with it. Maybe I’m putting the emphasis on myself and my own feelings instead of where it’s supposed to be. The Bible says, "We do not preach ourselves but Christ Jesus as Lord, and ourselves as your bond-servants for Jesus' sake" (2 Corinthians 4:5). It’s not about me and bolstering my ego. It’s about my service to Christ and loving others. How I long to be truly humble and not care if I am made to look weak or like a fool! All I say and do should be a reflection of Christ and His love for all people. I should care more about how I make my Savior look than how I, myself, look.

I have yet to really wrap my mind around this… but for now, my head hurts! :):P

Alone and Lonely in 209.

Twas a sad day on April 20, 2007. Janet... okay I'll just speak in first person... I had sadly watched as Jacquie and Chantal drove away from me the day before. I had even chased them a few paces, hoping that maybe they would recant and stay a couple more days. However, it was not to be. Even though I kept reappearing in the hallway thinking I was hearing Jacquie's voice... it was all in my head. They were gone and I was left in the silence.... left to remember all the good times... left wishing I could close my eyes and have the next four months fly by so we could be together again. I couldn't feel the "Quad" or the "209" because the room itself isn't what gives off the love... but those who occupy it...

haha! I love you girls! I miss you and I'm already excited for next year!!

Girl's Night Out!

There's something about beautiful weather that makes "one" (in this case, me, Chantal and Jax) long to be out in it! haha! I suppose that goes without saying... Regardless, this past saturday we decided to take advantage of the fact that it was absolutely beautiful and go walk around downtown Moose Jaw. We soon realized that almost everything closes at 5 and that MJ really doesn't have an abundance to offer and so found ourselves at Deja Vu, an enjoyable little cafe that sells every flavour of chicken you can imagine! Of course we had to try a few flavours... and get milkshakes!! I'm pretty sure mine was most favourite... Mint... sigh... I need not say more. You may think this picture portrays our happiness at being together. However, I'm fairly sure my thoughts were something like.... "I'm so glad this picture involves not taking our straws out of our mouths... this is delectable!" or "Wow, I should find a way to talk them into coming for milkshakes on a regular basis" or .... haha! Just kidding! I love my quadmates!!

Anyway, this isn't a particularly interesting post, but we had a grand time!!

Just need an url...

I MADE HER BECAUSE I LOVE HER

I made her... she is different. She is unique. With LOVE I formed her in her mother's womb. With LOVE I fashioned her with great joy. I remember with great pleasure the day I created her. (Ps. 139: 13-16)

I LOVE her smile. I LOVE her ways. I LOVE to hear her laugh. And the silly things she says and does. She brings Me great pleasure... this is how I made her. (Ps. 139:17)

I made her pretty, but not beautiful, because I know her heart, and she would be vain. I wanted her to search out her heart and to learn that it would be Me in her that would make her beautiful... and it would be Me in her that would draw friends to her. (1 Peter 3:3-5)

I made her in such a way that she would need Me. I made her a little more lonesome than she would like to be... only because I need her to lean and depend on Me. I know her heart, I know if I had not made her like this, she would go her own chosen way and forget Me... her creator. (ps. 62: 5-8)

I have given her many good and happy things.... because I love her. (ps. 34:11 and Rom 8:32)

Because I love her I have seen her broken, hurt... and the tears she has cried alone. I have cried them with her, and had a broken heart, too. (ps. 58:6)

Many times she has stumbled and fallen alone only because she would not hold My hand. So many lessons she has learned the hard way because she would not listen to my voice. (Isa. 66:2)

So many times I have sat back and sadly watched her go her merry way alone only to watch her return to My arms, sad and broken. (Isa. 66:2)

And now she is mine again...I made her and then bought her... because I LOVE her. (Rom 5:8)

I have to reshape and remold her... to renew to what I had planned for her to be. It has not been easy for her or Me. (Jer 29:11)

I want her to be conformed to My image... this goal I have set for her... because I LOVE HER! ( 2 Cor 2:14)

(not sure where this is from... but I really like it so I thought I'd share it!)

Fragmented Journal Entry....

I have absolutely nothing to offer and I am nothing without Christ.

I am a selfish person, scared to look beyond me; scared what God might ask me to do for others...

I don't read my bible enough because I'm scared of failure... I don't think I can do it well... yet in not trying, I'm failing anyway....

I want to be broken and to live solely for Christ, but I'm scared He might ask too much of me.. more than I can give...

I long to be genuine... but I'm scared what others might think of me....

I long to surrender fully to God, but I'm afraid of losing control....

I desire the TRUE joy that is only to be had in making Jesus the center of my life! ....but I'm afraid of losing the happiness I already have...

I want to let God change me into the person He wants me to be, but I'm scared of losing who I am now....

Wow. I am full of ridiculous fears. Where is my faith?

Isaiah 41:10 - So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand...

One Would Think....

Here is a little ode to my name change. I just changed it cause I got bored with the old one... and this one amuses me! By the way, in case of future confusion, the "one" who's thoughts are posted on this blog in the future is me(Janet).... haha! Just in case you got it in your hear that it actually meant the generic "one" :P

• One would think that if we(girls) think paint(nail polish) is attractive on our nails, we wouldn't think it messy and unattractive when on our clothes or slopped on our hands and arms.


• One would think that if pineapple and oranges and honeydew melon are gross in a chef salad, so are apples. (directed at my mom and Amy!:P)


• One would think that if we enjoy a lemon or an orange on our glass of water, we might like other fruits there... like pomegranates... or maybe a chunk of steak?


• One would think that, since clearly we Canadians need more exercise, we would put more stairs in our airports instead of having our stairs and pathways move for us.


• One would think...ok, I don't feel like thinking of more... I'm done for now....